I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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