yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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