Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize