I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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