Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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