I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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