I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
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just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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