He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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