Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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