Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
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I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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