Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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