we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
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i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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