you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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