I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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