your parents love me but you hate me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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