i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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