see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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