I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize