my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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