Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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