last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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