god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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