my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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