Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
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Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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