Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(914): View more from New York

____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...

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(914): ____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker... http://tfl.nu/8now

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome http://tfl.nu/zb92

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

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(414): I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig http://tfl.nu/ouz6

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(954): It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments http://tfl.nu/zq97

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl

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(720): View more from Colorado

These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.

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(720): These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo. http://tfl.nu/f63z

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(802): What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow" http://tfl.nu/01bq

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(240): Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic. http://tfl.nu/gchg

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(732): View more from New Jersey

WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?

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(732): WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"? http://tfl.nu/186c

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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(+44): I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are. http://tfl.nu/uo40

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.

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(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke. http://tfl.nu/dnme

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.

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(330): I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot. http://tfl.nu/wf9d

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(775): Jake bring pizza. (775): JAKE BRING PIZZA. http://tfl.nu/e6ij

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.

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(860): you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something. http://tfl.nu/oy26

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