id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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