i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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