I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
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Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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