I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize