i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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