If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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