Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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