i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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