He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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