He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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