I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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