My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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