Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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