I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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