Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
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You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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