we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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