So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
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My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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