You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Good. I made people cry and run home
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