Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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