he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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