We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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