I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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