come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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