Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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