You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
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I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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